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Sunday, October 03, 2004
Oh my, Oh my!
I am so confused. I had been feeling little to no physical reaction to women recently. That was until yesterday. I had been a Groomsman at the wedding of one of my oldest friends, and met the Maid of Honor. She and I started talking at the reception, and she seemed like a very interesting and attractive woman. I failed to catch the garter, it was caught by a little boy (actually picked up off the floor). She failed to catch the bouquet, it was caught by a little girl. Well the little girl and boy were brother and sister, so since she was the Maid of Honor she had to stand in for the girl. I went out to see their solution to the problem and was set up, the little boy was sent by the groom to ask me to take his place. I was happy to for the Maid of Honor's sake. Well, that made us a little closer I must admit. We danced close a bit later and I could feel some physical reaction there. After the reception a group of us went out to a bar. After being there for an hour, most of us were feeling a little tired so we left. I drove the Best Man, Maid of Honor and a Bridesmaid back to the Newlyweds house. The Bridesmaid went to bed, the rest of us climbed into the hot tub with some drinks. We were there for atleast an hour before the happy couple returned home. They joined us, the groom climbing out after about a half hour. The bride left about another 30min later. Well, just prior to her leaving the Maid of Honor and I put a hand on eachother's thighs.
She was fairly aggressive, her hand sliding slowly up to the crotch of my underwear. Well at that encouragement my hand mimicked her's and soon she encouraged my hand to be bolder. I responded happily, and after the bride left the Best Man had dozed off. Soon my hand had the Maid of Honor's back arching and I brought on an orgasm for her. After that we began kissing passionately and to let our hands continue exploring. Soon we were truly feeling the effects of the alcohol and the heat of the hot tub. We woke the Best Man and all of us went inside. The Best Man and I changed, when he was out of the room she and I would steal kisses. Then as we were saying goodbye she surprised me. She hugged the Best Man, and then with him right there she hugged and kissed me passionately. I happily responded.
I returned home, and slept fairly well after sending a long email to a dear friend spilling my guts. Well I awoke at 8am after about 5hrs of sleep, and she was on my mind. I tried to get back to sleep but my thoughts were all about her and the night before. I saw her this morning and wasn't sure what to expect. She seemed to be a bit distant at first, but we talked nicely. Then as I was leaving she kissed me and hugged me again. As we started to break the kiss, I stopped her and pulled her close and kissed her more deeply. She responded well, but said she had to rest for she had a long drive. I was still happy, we exchanged numbers the night before and I plan on calling her if not tomorrow, then this week.
Posted at 09:49 pm by Vaderman
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Last night I had a very heated dream that lasted for atleast a couple hours. I only know how long it lasted because I woke up briefly at one point and saw the clock, then was awakened from the dream again by my alarm clock. The dream was extremely erotic. I am not going to go into the details of the dream here, but will just sum up the things that I found the most interesting. First, was the fact that I was watching myself for the majority of the dream from a third party perspective. Second, the fact that I was blindfolded and handcuffed for the majority of the dream as well. Third, in the dream I was humiliated and made to beg for sex from a man, then felt him betray my request for protection when he orgasmed inside me. Fourth, that it turned from there into an orgy in which I was the center of attention.
The final thing that I found interesting was that at that point my handcuffs and blindfold were removed and my visual perspective changed to first person, but through the entire dream I could feel everything that was done to me. I don't know what any of it means, except clearly make sure that I only agree to be cuffed and stuffed by someone I trust. :-O :-)
Posted at 12:20 pm by Vaderman
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
I know I have talked about my sexual experimentation pretty frankly on here in previous entries, but I am still not quite ready to be out. I only put it on here because I have told the people that read this journal, and I need to vent sometimes. Lately I have been wanting to tell everyone about my experiences though. I am really feeling proud about this new choice of lifestyle, but at the same time I am so afraid of hurting the ones I love. I believe my family will be able to accept this choice of mine, though I am scared that they won't. I know it is premature to worry about coming out when I still haven't had more than a very base relationship with a guy. We went to one movie, had two dinners at his place, and had sex about four times, five if you include oral. The relationship went about three weeks, a couple dates a week max. I have a personal ad out there which is being viewed pretty well, though mostly by guys that are 40+ when I am looking for 25-35. Ugh...I just don't know what to do sometimes...Patience is not my best virtue. Heck, I let a guy get to third base without even one date, and slept with him on the first date. I am such a slut sometimes. I am trying to be patient with online dating, and even tried the bar scene. Just don't like that the only gay bar I know is in a town where I work. Not good for discretionary purposes. I have about three guys I am talking to online, one just wants to be friends, the other two are in relationships and looking for something on the side perhaps.
I am not really interested in helping someone cheat, but the longer I go without seeing success the more appealing an affair may seem I must admit. None of them are married I must clarify that, I definitely would not help someone commit adultery. Am not even comfortable with the idea of helping someone cheat on a gf or bf. I mean I have done it before with an ex-gf who cheated on her bf with me, but that doesn't mean I am a fan of it. Another thing is everyone keeps warning me to be safe, which I am as far as sex goes, but in the foreplay department I know I could be safer. I have performed and received orally without protection, but never to orgasm. It is still risky I know, but I have a lot of female friends who I have talked to about sexual topics and they don't use protection in that area all the time. So is it as big of a deal??? I am confused, I mean if I am basically taking the position of the woman in this relationship receiving anally and performing orally then couldn't I use them as my examples in appropriate behavior? This was quite the ramble after starting out kind of slow and unsure huh....wow.
Posted at 09:19 pm by Vaderman
Monday, September 20, 2004
I have been quiet for a long time on here. Well there is a reason, it may not be a very good one, but I thought it was. If you have been reading this journal from the beginning you would have noticed some strong sexual content. Also, you would have noticed a fair amount of same sex curiosity. Well, recently I have begun exploring that curiosity again. Yes, I have been sharing a bed with a man. I have held back on this confession because I am still not confident enough one way or the other to define my sexuality. However to be frank, the sex is very good. I am what you would call the bottom in the relationship. If you are wondering about those last two sentences together, yes it means I am enjoying getting fucked in the ass. I am enjoying it very much, and I hope that this doesn't hurt anyone to hear. I don't know honestly if it will...but if it does I apologize I am not trying to hurt anyone, just trying to figure myself out. One of my friends I think is critical of this, why you ask, because they keep saying that most people explore their sexuality in college and already know by our age. Just because most people do doesn't make what I am doing wrong. I have my own issues that I need to resolve and I don't see anything wrong with what I am doing. Almost none of my exes would be surprised about my exploration of my sexuality, atleast that is what I think, for I had talked about my past experience with most of them. Another reason is because I have talked about anal sex with atleast a couple of them, both giving and receiving. Have I made a final decision one way or the other? No, I have yet to make a final decision.
Posted at 05:54 pm by Vaderman
Thursday, September 09, 2004
I am easy, I mean really easy. Sexually I would put out on a first date no problem if my date were aggressive enough. I may in fact be a slut at heart, I don't know. The one thing I do know is I am a horny bastard and even two hours without sex gets me longing for it again. Shit! I know this may not be a surprise to most of you, but it is killing me lately. I feel like I could explode if I was touched right now. Touching myself just doesn't really do it anymore. Well with a little lube it does, but how often does one want to grease themselves up ya know?
Posted at 10:57 pm by Vaderman
Saturday, July 17, 2004
I have not written anything in a while, I know. I have been going through some confusing times for me, but not wanting to share them with everyone. I have found an enjoyment for some anal play. I have bought anal beads, they feel great. I have also purchased a dildo, shocking I know, but true. I don't know what I am really thinking talking about this in this format, but I need to vent. I have no idea where any of this will lead. I do know I need an aggressive mate, I always have, but now I know it more than just joke about it. I am curious though, would women find it a turn-off to be with a man that wanted her to use a strap on on him occassionally. I mean it would have to make him look less manly in her eyes don't you think? I just don't know what I am going to do right now. I am really somewhat lost at this point. I am getting little to no response online, and just feel out of place. I feel like though I have people to talk to, I truly don't have anyone to turn to and lean on and truly talk to here in person. I am just so damned confused....so damned confused...so....damned.......confused............................
Posted at 01:15 am by Vaderman
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Some of the appeal that sex with another guy had for me was the feeling of being submissive, and being seduced. Normally with women I am the one that has to initiate activities, and because of my shy nature I miss opportunities that otherwise may have been great sexual encounters. However, when I was with that guy years ago, he came over, he took charge, he decided what the activity was going to be. Sure I had input, and sure I led it in certain directions, but for the most part I put my faith in him. To be honest there were a couple times where I tried to take charge and initiate some of the activities, but it didn't feel right and actually didn't turn me on. Maybe all I am looking for is someone to seduce me, to make me feel attractive and handsome, or maybe there is something more to it. I don't know for sure, perhaps never will fully understand it, but what I do know is that there was once some appeal in being with another man.
Posted at 02:24 pm by Vaderman
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
I mentioned briefly in my last journal entry that I had had some same sex experience. After talking to a close friend about those experiences in more detail I find myself wondering about the feelings I had during that time in my life. I love women, and want to marry and have kids, but I am curious about the pleasure I received from that time over a decade ago. My first sexual experiences were those of me pleasuring another man, and I enjoyed it. The strange thing is that eventhough I could perform those sexual acts then I don't think I could feel comfortable kissing a man. That seems strange to me. My experience with a guy has always hung in the back of my mind, coming forth generally when I recount my past experience to someone. I considered trying to explore those feelings again a few years back. I was even talking to a man both online and on the phone about it, and had exchanged some risque emails. However, I never met him in person, and actually ended all communication with the man. Were those feelings just the result of a horny teenager testing the sexual boundaries, or were they the feelings of a bisexual man who longs to explore them again. I probably will never know for sure as I don't believe I could ever explore those feelings again other than thinking about them. Such a relationship is one I would have to hide from family and most friends, and that would not be a fair thing to ask of anyone, male or female, that one gets involved with.
Posted at 12:40 pm by Vaderman
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
I like the thrill of a risky sexual encounter. Since my first girlfriend I have been kind of pushing the barrier somewhat. Had gotten her topless in a theater on one date in fact. Another girlfriend and I fooled around in her basement with a house full of people upstairs and people just outside the basement door doing yardwork. Had sex with my ex-fiance in a ladies restroom, and dormitory showers. Hell even on the side of a jogging path behind a cemetery....had a blanket over us.
One of the first times I ever had sex, I was afraid that I was going to be found out by a relative and ratted out because I hadn't had time to clean up the room before she came home. So I confessed to my mother that I had sex before anyone else could tell her. I like to play the risk game, playing around in a moving car. I am also scared of the consequences of getting caught. I have always been afraid of getting caught.
I experimented in the past, I had sex with another guy, and to keep from getting caught (atleast that is what I told myself and him at the time) I would beg him to finish inside of me. That was only a partial truth, yes I was afraid of geting caught, yes I was afraid of the resulting mess, but I also enjoyed how it felt at the time.
I am human, and I have experimented, and I have flaws, but I am trying. I strive to be better, I want to change, I want to open up and love and not just have it be about sex. It isn't all about the sex, it isn't all about the risk. It is about happiness, and holding onto that little bit of joy you can find in another person.
Posted at 11:00 pm by Vaderman
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Here I am on my knees again with another confessional.
I believe I have confessed already to being a bit of a peeper in the past...Hey is it my fault they leave the curtains open. :)
I have also confessed to looking down a blouse or two in the past as well.
I have mentioned that I talked to and considered meeting a dominatrix before....She seemed very nice and interesting online. But I couldn't do it, just too strange...and then that whole dominatrix body dump thing happened and I just said no way to that scene....I mean she and her bf hacked up that guys body because he croaked during the act and she couldn't risk being found out. I swear some people.
This confessional though is about the fact that I need to control my sexual urges. I find myself staring at women's butts and breasts more and more lately. I mean there is this woman that works on the weekends sometimes, and when she is there I am always checking out her ass. There is another woman there who usually works friday nights, I am always checking out her ass and the curves of her breasts too. I have done it with my best friend as well, when she wears something low cut especially. Agh, and the visible panty line...such a teaser man....See this is wrong!!!!! I am too damn horny!
Posted at 02:22 am by Vaderman
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